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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24110092">Good Lich, Bad Lich</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/grumby/pseuds/grumby'>grumby</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Adventure Zone (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 01:01:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,340</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24110092</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/grumby/pseuds/grumby</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Are you afraid?” The first ghost rasps.<br/>“Hey, guys,” the second says, waving.<br/>“Lup, c’mon, we talked about this,” the first one says, putting a skeletal hand up to his hood in a facepalm, his voice now just sounding like a normal dude. A very put-upon normal dude. “We were gonna be all spooky and shit.”<br/>“It’s fine, we’ll do like, good cop, bad cop. Good lich bad lich.” </p><p>Lup isn't absorbed by the Umbra Staff, and some of Tres Horny Boys' interactions with the Red Robes are a little weird because of it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Barry Bluejeans/Lup</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>129</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>277</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Some of the dialogue may seem familiar - I used some from the podcast itself, but the vast majority of it is my own. Hope you enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Taako, Magnus and Merle watch as Captain Bane collapses, his skin a sickly blackened colour, and behind him, floating ominously, are two bright red eldritch spectres. </p>
<p>"<i>Are you afraid?</i>” The first ghost rasps. </p>
<p>“Hey, guys,” the second says, waving. </p>
<p>“Lup, c’mon, we talked about this,” the first one says, putting a skeletal hand up to his hood in a facepalm, his voice now just sounding like a normal dude. A very put-upon normal dude. “We were gonna be all spooky and shit.” </p>
<p>“It’s fine, we’ll do like, good cop, bad cop. Good lich bad lich.” </p>
<p>“<i>Are you afraid</i>, uh, <i>of the dark</i>?” The first lich rasps again, before switching back to his normal voice. “Nah, see, you killed my mojo now.” </p>
<p>Taako, Magnus and Merle stare for another second, and then simultaneously all three burst out laughing. Every so often one of them will tail off, gasping for air, and then they’ll look up at the first lich, who’s giving off such an aura of exasperation it starts them off again. </p>
<p>“I had an important point to make here,” the first lich says. “I was gonna be spooky – I never get to be spooky, and you ruined it for me, babe.” </p>
<p>“Aw, I’m sorry, Bear,” the second lich – Lup? – says, putting a skeletal hand on his spectral shoulder. “We can be spooky next time.” </p>
<p>“They’re never gonna take me seriously now,” The first lich grumbles petulantly. “And I had such a cool entrance, too, you know that? I made him drink his own poison, that was cool, right?” He says that as an aside to the three of them. </p>
<p>They’re still giggling. </p>
<p>He glowers. “Uh, where was I? Oh, uh,<i> Gundren Rockseeker, Magic Brian, </i>blah blah blah.” He stops the rasping halfway through the sentence, and just sounds depressed. “The want, the Hunger, it consumes everything. Fuck all of you.” </p>
<p>He disappears in a column of flame that singes their eyebrows, but Lup just laughs. </p>
<p>“Don’t worry about him,” Lup says. “He’s just grumpy. He’d been looking forward to being spooky. How’s it hangin’ with all of you guys?” </p>
<p>“Uh, pretty good?” Magnus ventures, when he manages to choke down his laughter long enough to reply. “We just won a cool race -” </p>
<p>“Yeah, I saw, pretty rad, my man.” </p>
<p>“And, uh, I think there’s a bunch of prize money for it.” </p>
<p>“Hell yeah, dude, make that bank!” </p>
<p>“Uh, can I ask who you are?” </p>
<p>They can feel the mischievous aura radiating off her. “<i>I’m an evil red robe!</i>” She rasps, in a pretty good impersonation of the other spectre – Bear? “Anyways,” her voice goes back to normal, “I should go check on him. See ya soon, I guess. Give Lucy my love!” </p>
<p>She disappears in a column of flame identical to Bear’s. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, Madam Director! We got your magic sash, uh, what else did we do? We did a fuckin’ cool race.” Magnus says. </p>
<p>“Yeah, did you see me ride Garyl? Pretty sweet, right?” Taako says. </p>
<p>“Uh, and your friend Captain Bane tried to poison us,” Merle says. </p>
<p>“Do you know anyone called Lucy?” Magnus asks. </p>
<p>“Okay, but y’all saw cha’boy ride Garyl and win the race, yeah? It’s really important to me you all saw me do that.” </p>
<p>This is all said in a cacophony of crosstalk and interruption. The Director opens her mouth and shuts it again, before opening it and shutting it again. It looks as if she’s taking a minute to parse all of that, when Magnus speaks up again. </p>
<p>“It’s cool, though, two magic ghosts showed up and killed Captain Bane before he could kill us.” </p>
<p>The Director finally breaks. “What, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck? What happened down there?” </p>
<p>“Yeah, uh, their names were, uh...” Magnus tails off. </p>
<p>“Bear, I remember that one,” Merle says. </p>
<p>“Lute?” Taako suggests. “I honestly don’t remember at all, Madam Director, next time I meet her I will defo get her name.” </p>
<p>“Lup,” Magnus corrects. “Bear and Lup.” </p>
<p>The Director has been getting more and more pale. She looks positively queasy when Taako says “Lute.” </p>
<p>“The Red Robes?” She squeaks, and clears her throat, before speaking with her normal gravitas. “You saw two Red Robes?” </p>
<p>“Uh, they were red, right?” Magnus asks. </p>
<p>“More of a crimson,” Merle says, hand on his chin thoughtfully. </p>
<p>“That’s - crimson is a shade of red, old man,” Taako cuts in. </p>
<p>“I’m just saying! In case there’s different types. It doesn’t hurt to be specific.” </p>
<p>“It seems unlikely that there’d be multiple types of evil red ghost,” Magnus says. </p>
<p>“Yeah, imagine showing up to your Crimson Robe meeting only to realise this is the Scarlet Robes? How embarrassing would that be? Boy, would my face match my robes.” Taako chortles. </p>
<p>The Director takes a second to compose herself. She’s clinging on to her staff tight, as if she’s in danger of collapsing. “What, uh, what did they say?” </p>
<p>“Uh, the first one said something about the Hunger that consumes all men, or something,” Taako inspects his fingernails, making a great show of his boredom. </p>
<p>“Yeah, Lup just kinda made fun of him, though. He was trying to be all spooky and shit,” Magnus says. </p>
<p>“She said to give Lucy her love. I don’t know any Lucys, though,” Merle frowns. “I knew a Suzy, could be her.” </p>
<p>“What - how could it be her?” </p>
<p>“Boys, please,” The Director cuts in. She’d very nearly smiled as Merle had spoken, but now she looked serious again. “As much as I love your antics, I need you to focus up. Did they say anything useful?” </p>
<p>“Uh, I don’t think so. Why?” Taako replies. </p>
<p>The Director blinks. “Wha - Why – Because they’re the evil league of wizards who created the Relics?” She sounds like she’s trying to keep her voice dignified and failing miserably. </p>
<p>“Oh, yeah, that.” </p>
<p>“Boys, listen, if you see them again, I want you to run. We can’t possibly risk contact with them.” </p>
<p>“They didn’t seem dangerous,” Magnus says, almost to himself. “Lup seemed super chill. I feel like I’d enjoy hanging out with her, if she wasn’t, like, a scary ghost.” </p>
<p>“I dunno, I appreciated what Bear was going for. I liked the dramatic flair. And I was pretty scared before Lup made fun of him relentlessly,” Taako replies. </p>
<p>“Please, you three!” Lucretia practically shouts. “Promise me, if you see them again, you won’t talk. Just run.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Time grinds to a halt. Lucas’ mouth slows, midsentence, which they’re all pretty happy for. The Cosmoscope behind him ceases orbiting, and suddenly, the Red Robes are there. </p>
<p>“<i>What’s bigger than this?</i>” Bear asks. </p>
<p>“Oh, hey, it’s Bear!” Magnus says. “Hey, Bear! Hey, Lup!” <br/>Lup waves.</p>
<p>“This definitely feels like the leadup to a dick joke,” Taako says. </p>
<p>Bear shoots a warning glance at Lup. She doesn’t say anything, but she looks like she’s biting her tongue – as much as a skeletal ghost can. </p>
<p>They can feel a scowl on his face. “<i>Last time I saw you,</i>” he rasps, in that voice they all know by now is fake, “<i>I spoke to you about the Hunger of all living things</i>.” </p>
<p>“Wait, when was that?” Merle asks, seemingly genuinely confused. Lup lets out a peal of laughter. </p>
<p>“When I – what? When I last saw you? In Captain Bain’s office?” His scratchy voice is gone again. </p>
<p>“Uh,” Merle still sounds lost. </p>
<p>“Okay, take my word for it. I did tell you about the Hunger.” </p>
<p>“The Hunger of all living things,” Lup chimes in, sounding helpful. Bear shoots her another look. </p>
<p>“Yes, the Hunger of all living things.” He says, and points at the Cosmoscope. “This is what it seeks. The power of creation itself -” </p>
<p>“You forgot your scary voice, babe,” Lup interjects. </p>
<p>“– <i>A billion billion lives have been devoured by this Hunger in pursuit of its power.</i>” He switches to that nails-on-a-chalkboard voice again without pausing. “<i>There is no more running. This world is life’s last chance.</i>” </p>
<p>“Are you two, like, evil?” Magnus says. “The Director totally said you were evil, but you just seem, like...” He tails off as Bear glares at him. </p>
<p>“No, go on, finish that sentence. How do I seem, Magnus?” Bear says, sounding truly fed up. “I’ve been trying my best, here.” </p>
<p>Lup covers her mouth, her spectral shoulders shaking with laughter. </p>
<p>“I was gonna say goofy but I feel bad now.” </p>
<p>“Goofy!” Lup cries, muffled through her hand. </p>
<p>“Magnus, if I had a heart, you’d have broken it.” He turns to face Lup. “You’re gonna be the fuckin’ scary one next time. I’m gonna undermine you the whole time, we’ll see how you like it.” </p>
<p>He disappears in another spout of flame. </p>
<p>“Goofy, oh my gods, Magnus,” she giggles. She takes a minute to calm herself down, visibly taking a deep breath. “Oh, uh, here. I thought this’d be a good idea. Or, a bad idea, but fun.” She holds out her Stone of Farspeech. “Who wants a magical ghost’s number?” </p>
<p>“I do! I do!” The three of them chant.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Again, some of the dialogue is from the podcast, but only just enough that the scenes shape up in the same way. Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“<i>Are you afraid?</i>” The Red Robe asks. </p><p>“Haha, guys, that’s funny, right, she’s doing a silly voice!” </p><p>“Hey, Bear, c’mon, I love and support you, but you weren’t even subtle about it.” </p><p>“Did you guys, uh, did you swap being good lich and bad lich?” Magnus says. </p><p>“He was getting all sulky about how I made fun of his voice,” Lup says. </p><p>“I was upset that I keep trying to make important points that keep getting undermined -” </p><p>“He was sulky about the voice.” </p><p>Bear glowers at her, before turning back to the trio. “Did you guys get the Temporal Chalice?” </p><p>“Hell yeah,” Magnus says. </p><p>“You didn’t change anything?” </p><p>“Nope!” </p><p>“I’m proud of you,” Lup says. </p><p>“Proud?” Magnus says. “You - you’re the bad guys, right?” </p><p>The two Red Robes look at each other for a second. Bear looks back at them again after a silent conversation seems to pass between the two. </p><p>“Do you guys... trust us?” </p><p>“No,” Merle and Magnus say, in tandem. </p><p>Taako remains silent, his face inscrutable. Magnus shoots him a look. Merle just seems oblivious. </p><p>Lup’s silent, too, which seems unusual even to Magnus, Taako and Merle. Bear turns to her again, and another silent conversation seems to pass between them. </p><p>“We need you to trust us next time you see us. Or all this...” Bear indicates the bag containing the Chalice, “will have been for nothing. The Hunger is almost here. When it arrives, this world will be lost.” </p><p>“I’m uh, I’m pretty hungry right now,” Merle says. “Is that a bad sign?” </p><p>“No, I don’t think they’re talking about, like, lunchtime.” Magnus replies. “Bear keeps saying it like it’s got a capital H.” </p><p>“Yeah, the Hunger is different from just being hungry,” Bear says. “I can’t believe I have to spell that out for you.” </p><p>“Yeah, he gave a whole lecture about the Hunger of all living things, remember?” Lup says. </p><p>“Well, all living things hunger for lunch, too...” Merle muses. </p><p>“It’s not about lunch, Merle. Don’t make me fuckin’ vaporise you.” Bear says, but there’s no real malice in his voice. “C’mon, Lup.” </p><p>And they both disappear. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey, uh, is this the Red Robe?” </p><p>“Hello, you’ve reached Sal’s Pizza, what can I do for ya – no, of course it’s the Red Robe,” Lup says. “What can I do for you, Taako?” There’s silence for a long moment. “Are the others with you?” </p><p>“Nah, just Taako, homie.” He heaves a sigh. “This was a mistake.” </p><p>“What do you mean?” From her side of the Stone, there’s a burst of background noise that sounds like an explosion. “Shit, one moment,” she says. </p><p>The Stone goes quiet, and, in the dark of his dorm room, Taako sighs again. Sounds of fighting echo from the Red Robe’s Stone. </p><p>“Hey, sorry about that. Gerblins, you know how it is,” she says. </p><p>“Hey, Lup, who’s on the Stone?” Bear’s voice is quiet, like he’s a long way away. </p><p>“Just Taako, babe!” Lup calls. </p><p>“You - you gave Taako your number? Lup!” </p><p>“Just hold on,” she whispers, and then a tinny rendition of “The Girl From Ipanema” starts playing as he’s put on hold. He has to listen to almost the full song before her voice returns. “Hey, Koko. What’s up?” </p><p>“I - I wanted to ask if you’d hexed me, or some shit.” He mutters. “When - Bear asked if we trust you. And Magnus and Merle said no.” There’s a pregnant pause. “Why didn’t I? You’ve been following us around, and Bear admits he’s trying to act creepy – Why do I trust you?” </p><p>He can hear her debating what to tell him. “I’ve not – we haven’t charmed you, Taako. Beyond our winning personalities, anyway.” He snorts. “Taako, you know more than you can remember. I – I physically can’t tell you any more than that.” </p><p>“You’ve wiped my memory?” </p><p>“No, no! No. But... you’ve forgotten something – something incredibly important. Through no fault of mine. Or Bear’s. But... the heart doesn’t forget as easily as the brain. You can erase memories, but you can’t forget that feeling in your gut.” </p><p>“I - I know you?” </p><p>“You do. But – I can’t tell you how. We – Bear wanted to act creepy because if you start to remember all that you’ve forgotten you could have a mental break. He wanted to – to put distance between us.” She pauses, listening to him breathing heavily on the other side of the Stone. “Taako, you can’t think too hard about this. You’ll hurt yourself. And proximity to us is only going to make it worse.” </p><p>There’s more silence from his side of the stone. “Taako,” she says. “We’re going to see you again. Soon. And when we do, I need you to convince the others that we’re on your side. We are, I fucking promise, I’m not doing this to trick you. Without us, the world will end, one way or another, but we need you and Magnus and Merle to help us stop it.” </p><p>“Okay.” He says. “I had one other thing I wanted to ask, before you go. Uh, when we were in the crystal lab, there was a robot that said something about, uh, seven birds. Is that – do you know what that means?” </p><p>She pauses. “I - I think maybe it means us. The Red Robes.” </p><p>“There’s seven of you?” He files that information away for later. </p><p>“Just two, right now.” She sounds like she’s trying to hide the sadness in her voice. </p><p>“There’s, uh, the Protector, the Twins, the Lover, uh. I don’t remember the others.” </p><p>He can hear her fond smile through the Stone. “The Lover will be Bear. I – I don’t think I can tell you more than that, though, Taako. I really, really want to.” She sounds indescribably sad by the end of her sentence. </p><p>“Seriously?” There’s levity in his voice, and he sounds more like the Taako she knows with every passing word. “The skeleton in a red robe is the Lover?” </p><p>She chuckles. “Yeah, I mean, he wasn’t always a skeleton. He had a flesh dick, once.” </p><p>“Gross.” Taako says. “I don’t need to hear about that.” </p><p>“You don’t want me to describe my husband’s rockin’ bod?” </p><p>“Not even a little bit, thank you!” Taako snaps. </p><p>She chuckles. It’s almost like the old days, and it’s bittersweet – she's glad to hear Taako laugh, but it reminds her of all the time that’s been wasted.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading! I hope to get the next chapter up on Thursday, so watch this space!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“She’s launched the sphere. They’re en route.” Barry says, sombrely. </p><p>“Where are they coming down?” Lup tears her eyes, or lack thereof, away from the pod, its green fluid almost totally obscuring its contents. She can tell, though – it’s ready. </p><p>“A day’s walk away.” </p><p>She nods. </p><p>“We - I still don’t think we should show ourselves. Those liches – Lup, they’ve spent a decade using the Animus Bell. They’re the most powerful undead on this plane -” </p><p>“Good thing we’re not from this plane, then.” She’s resolute – as far as she’s concerned, the decision has been made. “I will not let Taako go through hell when I can do something about it.” </p><p>He nods. “Okay. You’re right.” </p><p>He’s not sure he could live (or, at least, continue being dead) with himself if his relic killed one of the crew. Especially not Taako. </p><p>“So, we go in, guns blazing.” It’s a question, but not really. He knows what she thinks already. </p><p>“Babe, when have you ever seen me go in without guns blazing?” </p><p>He chuckles, and, just for a moment, they take comfort in each other’s presence. It’s the calm before the storm, and they both know it. </p><p> </p><p>The names “Antonia, Rowan, Lord Sterling” appear above the entrance to Wonderland, and the trio’s travelling companions go through into the deep blackness of the void that’s waiting through the door. The entire tent spins wildly, and a new door opens – emblazoned with “Taako, Magnus, Merle.” Their door, however, isn’t full of the same inky blackness, instead a deep red that seems to go on forever. </p><p>Magnus barely hesitates, and the other two follow him in. </p><p>“Welcome, uh, <i>welcome to Wonderland</i>,” a raspy voice says from the darkness. </p><p>Then the lights flicker on, and it’s no longer red all around. They’re in a small chamber, and floating in front of them are the two Red Robes. </p><p>It feels like Bear has a shit-eating grin on his face, despite having no skin. “Bet you were scared that time, huh?” </p><p>“Sorry for the shitty welcome,” Lup says. “Normally it’s super grand, you’d be meeting two fancy elves on a catwalk in a disco right now?” </p><p>Taako groans. “I wanna go to the catwalk disco! That sounds badass, instead I’m stuck here with you two nerds.” </p><p>“We have to keep this under the radar. We can siphon their power, but if we’re too overt about it they’ll notice,” Bear says, all business suddenly. “We have a plan.” </p><p>“What do you guys know about liches?” Lup asks. </p><p>“Uh, literally nothing,” Magnus says. </p><p>“Everything there is to know,” Taako says, simultaneously. </p><p>“We run on emotion. A normal lich survives on, like, their anger, or powerlust. That’s why they’re insane,” Lup says. </p><p>“We don’t.” Bear says. “We survive on love – our love for each other, for our family.” </p><p>“Laaaame,” Taako calls. </p><p>“But these liches,” Lup pointedly ignores him, “have found a way to live on other people’s emotions. In this case, suffering.” </p><p>“As I said,” Bear continues, “we can siphon their power. But we need you to run interference. We’ve never done this before, and this is their home turf. We can intervene and get you out, like, really soon. Like... one spin on the wheel. It’s never too bad on the first round.” </p><p>“Wheel? What wheel?” Magnus queries. </p><p>“First round?” Merle asks. </p><p>Then the room goes black, and they’re suddenly in a room with flashing neon panels on the floor and a catwalk. </p><p> </p><p>Merle’s lost his darkvision. Magnus lost a pinkie. Taako’s got Bad Luck. </p><p>The relative ease with which they passed round one doesn’t console Lup and Barry, watching silently and invisibly. They watch as black smog pours from the trio’s mouths with every sacrifice, and they guzzle up some of it each time. </p><p> </p><p>Merle’s thumb presses down on the button marked “Trust.” </p><p>Nothing happens. </p><p>“Hey, what?” The male elf’s voice comes over the speakers. “What’s happening? What did you do?” </p><p>And then both elves are there, in front of them. </p><p>“What the fuck did you do to our game?” Lydia demands, storming up to Merle, who’s still stood on the podium. Edward seems more concerned with the buttons, ignoring the trio entirely. </p><p>“They didn’t do anything, my dude,” Lup’s voice rings out from the corner. She’s chilling in a hammock, and as she climbs out, it vanishes in a puff of black smoke behind her. “It seems to me as if you didn’t build this place expecting other liches.” </p><p>“Oh, but we’re oh so powerful,” Lydia grins a predatory grin. “And there’s two of us, and only one of you.” </p><p>And then she shrieks, a horrifying scream that curdles the blood, as a beam of light strikes her in the back, directly between the shoulder blades. Edward snaps his head up to stare, and the walls around them flicker violently. </p><p>Bear is floating behind her. He’s sucking up black smoke, and expelling it in that beam of light, which originates from one skeletal finger. He’s holding a diamond, and, as everyone watches, Lydia’s lich form is sucked out of the back of her body, which crumples. It shrieks, clawing at the air, as it’s sucked along the beam, and forced into the diamond, which turns an evil black. </p><p>“Now, there’s only one of you,” he says, and crushes the diamond in his hand. </p><p>Edward screams with pure rage, and his body starts to convulse and spark. The walls of Wonderland start to crumble around them, huge chunks of the walls turning into dark smog as they fall. Dozens of other adventurers turn to stare as Edward straightens up to stare at them. </p><p>Bear grins, more than usual, wisps of smoke emanating from between his fingers as Lydia’s soul dissipates harmlessly into the air. </p><p>Edward casts his soul out of his body, and it crumples like Lydia’s before it. Unlike Lydia, though, Edward is still very much in control of his lich form. </p><p>He holds out one hand, and a falling chunk of Wonderland’s wall becomes pitch-black smoke for a split second, before becoming a hail of knives that fly at Taako, Magnus and Merle. Magnus blocks them with his shield and Taako jumps out of the way, but Merle cries out as he takes a gash along the shoulder, as well as one knife embedding itself in his wooden arm. The other parties who’d been travelling through Wonderland scatter, running wildly away from the fight. </p><p>“Hey, dude, we’re like. No threat to you at all!” Magnus shouts. “Could you maybe fight the two badass liches?” </p><p>“Oh, thanks!” Lup shouts. </p><p>Lup channels that black smoke, now, and forms it into an enormous ball floating before her. She clicks her fingers, and the ball ignites, becoming a fireball six feet in diameter. She hurls it, and it engulfs Edward entirely, but when the flames dissipate, he’s merely smouldering. </p><p>“Shit,” she mutters. “Bear! Plan B!” </p><p>Bear weaves a cage of smoke around Edward, who dispels it with a wave of his hand, and turns the smoke into a snake, which lunges for Merle, who flinches away, but just before its jaws close around his arm Bear turns it into a dove, and it flies away. Edward flicks a hand, and the dove becomes a washing machine which falls directly on Taako, who’s paralysed with fear, and can only watch as it descends. Then, at the last second, it turns into fluffy pillows that say “World’s Best Grandma,” bouncing gently off his head. Edward isn’t giving up, though, determined to hurt the friends of those who’d killed Lydia, and he hurls a Magic Missile at Magnus, but a shield of smoke forms in front of him and absorbs the hit. </p><p>Then Lup smacks Edward in the back of the head with a hot pink umbrella, and he tumbles. Bear had only been distracting him, and now – the umbrella turns inside out, and Edward is sucked inside, and then the smoke that had made up Wonderland finally dissipates and floats away. The fivesome is left, standing in a clearing in the Felicity Wilds, and out of the smoke, the Animus Bell falls. </p><p>“Sirs?” Angus’ voice comes over the Stones of Farspeech. “Are you there, sirs?” </p><p>Bear scoops up the Bell, shoving it into an extradimensional pocket. Lup holds a finger to her teeth, in a shushing gesture, and holds out her hand. </p><p>Taako immediately places his Stone in her hand, followed quickly by Magnus. Merle looks doubtful, but, upon receiving a glare from Taako, he follows suit. </p><p>She crushes the stones in her hand. </p><p>Bear says, “we need to head back, Lup, it’s - it’s happening tomorrow.” </p><p>She nods, and speaks to the trio. “Listen, guys, we don’t have long. The apocalypse is coming, and we need your help to ward it off. We can explain everything, but not here.” </p><p>“We have a place – there's actually something important we need to grab. It’s only a day’s walk from here, and then we can put our plan into action.” Bear continues. </p><p>“I - we need you to trust us.” Lup says, pleadingly. </p><p>“I do,” Taako says, glaring at the others, daring them to contradict him. </p><p> </p><p>They’re stood in a cave, illuminated by magical lights dotted along the ceiling. There’s an enormous map that covers one wall entirely, a single table and two chairs, a chest, and a pod, full of glowing green liquid. There’s someone inside, but it’s so opaque it’s impossible to tell who. </p><p>“We got this pod years ago,” Bear says. “It - it regrows a physical form, and we’ve been taking it in turns to grow a body for ourselves. Uh, I was the one who used it last. You actually met my physical body, in Phandalin.” </p><p>“If we’d known you were coming when we started growing this body,” Lup says, “We would’ve grown it for Bear instead. It’d be – easier to explain. To you, and to me. When I wake up in my body, I won’t remember. I won’t remember being a lich, or any of this, so you’re going to have to convince me to work with you. That’s not going to be easy, necessarily – uh, you’ll see why.” </p><p>And she floats over to the pod, and descends into it slowly. Bear rushes to get some clothes from the chest – a red jacket, with a patch of swirling, unreadable text sewn into the lapel, a white t-shirt and a pair of leggings. </p><p>The pod opens with a hiss of pressurised air, and out steps a woman. She’s elvish, tall, beautiful, with long golden hair and sunkissed tan skin. She’s naked but for the green liquid that still coats her skin, but no one's looking at her body. </p><p>The woman has Taako’s face.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey! Thanks for reading! I hope you'll stick around for the finale, which I think is my favourite chapter so far. I also want to say thank you to everyone who's left a comment or a kudos, it means a lot that you're enjoying reading this! Thank you!<br/>Next chapter should go up Sunday!</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Woah, wild night, huh?” She says. “Old man, big dude, scary red ghost, clone of me... not my usual fivesome, but I dig it.” </p><p>Bear immediately passes her the clothes, and she starts to pull them on. He attempts to stand in front of her to give her some cover, but he’s mostly transparent, so it doesn’t work too well. </p><p>“Hey, Bear?” Taako says, a little hysterically. “Hey, Bear – why does Lup have my face?” </p><p>“Your face? I’ve had this face since the day I was born, dick,” Lup says. “Why do you have my face?” </p><p>“You were born just now, dipshit -” </p><p>“Lup, listen to me.” Bear says. “You remember your aunt, right? She taught you to cook, and your absolute favourite meal is her roast chicken, which you can never get quite right even though you’ve got her exact recipe. You never knew your parents, and you were passed around your family after she died, and you lived in caravans after that, but you don’t remember how you got from there to here. You – lots of your childhood feels blurry, and you worry about that, because you’re not old enough that your memory should be a concern.” He pauses, searching her face for signs of recognition. </p><p>“Hey, Bear? That’s my history. Think you’re getting confused here,” Taako says. </p><p>“Lup, there’s a lot you’ve forgotten. I – I'm your husband, Lup.” He holds out his hand, and he shows her two wedding bands. “You – you have a whole family that you can’t remember, but if you listen to your gut, you’ll know I’m telling you the truth.” Bear says, still facing Lup, waving a hand at Taako to shush him. </p><p>Lup looks confused, more than anything, but she tries on the ring Bear offers her, and it slides perfectly on. She licks her lips nervously and nods. “Okay, uh, okay. You – I guess you’re right.” She grins. “Pretty dope that I’m married to a ghost.” </p><p>“You’re also a ghost, sometimes,” Magnus supplies helpfully, but Lup gives him a look that suggests she didn’t hear anything beyond static. </p><p>“Now, Lup, I know this is kind of a lot to dump on you, but,” Bear says, ignoring Magnus’ interjection, “the world is ending. Today.” </p><p>Lup goes pale. </p><p>“I’ve, uh, I’ve got a plan to stop it, but first, I need to talk to Taako.” Bear hustles Taako to the far side of the cave, where he drops into a chair. “Listen, Taako, I promise this will all make sense soon. I – I don’t know how much I can tell you before it does damage – uh.” </p><p>Taako’s gritting his teeth, clenching his fists in his lap. “I trusted you,” he says. “I vouched for you and Lup, and now, what, you’re stealing my face? My past? My identity? What the fuck? Were you – if I hadn’t come along willingly, were you gonna kill me? Replace me?” </p><p>“Taako, no!” Bear sounds so horrified that Taako – Taako actually believes him. “I’d - we would never -” </p><p>“Okay, so what the fuck?” </p><p>Bear sneaks a glance at Merle, Lup and Magnus, who are stood on the other side of the cave. “That’s - that’s just what she looks like. I – Taako, I fucking swear that I wouldn’t do this to trick you -” </p><p>“I don’t trust people, Bear,” Taako says, his teeth gritted. “I trusted the Bureau, and now it turns out that they’re the bad guys. I trusted you, and now -” </p><p>Bear hangs his head. “Taako, I – I promise, this will make sense soon. You – you only have to trust me a little longer. I promise, as soon as I can physically tell you what’s going on, I will.” He offers a hand to him, and Taako stares at him for a couple of seconds before grabbing it and pulling himself up. </p><p>“How do you feel about dogs?” Magnus is asking Lup, in a somewhat lower-stakes conversation. </p><p>“Okay,” Bear says to the cave at large, cutting off Lup’s response. “We - obviously we need to hide me and Lup. I can possess one of you to hide, but, uh, obviously it’s going to be harder to hide her.” </p><p>“I’ve got a pocket spa,” Taako says. “Lup can hide in there, so long as she doesn’t touch my good massage oil.” </p><p>Bear nods. “I’ll possess her.” Lup looks like she’ll object, but he cuts her off. “Possess is a strong word. I’ll just hide in your head for a bit. You’ll still be in charge, but I’ll see what you see and feel what you feel. You, uh, won’t remember this, but we’ve done it before.” </p><p>“Why would you have –” Taako starts, before he comes to a horrifying realisation. “Not for a sex thing, I hope.” </p><p>Bear somehow manages to blush. </p><p>“Gross,” Taako says. </p><p>“Huh,” Lup says, in a voice that sounds like she’s considering the logistics. </p><p>“It’s hard to have sex when one of you is a ghost!” Bear says, cutting off any further disgust from Taako. “Now shush, the world is ending in, like, three hours. We’ve got bigger problems than any past sexual ghoul experiences that some of us may or may not have had.” </p><p>He starts to explain his plan. </p><p> </p><p>“Did you – you inoculated yourselves?” Lucretia sounds horrified. “You’re - it’s too much, you’re going to hurt yourselves -” </p><p>Taako, Magnus, Merle and Lup clutch at their heads, squeezing their eyes shut as the flood of memories spurs a sudden migraine. Barry, as they know him now, still in lich form, floats above them. “You have to help them through it, Lucretia, or their minds will shatter.” </p><p>“Okay, okay, uh, don’t try and think ahead as I explain. Just follow what I’m saying -” </p><p>She begins to detail their journey, their lives, what she’d done to them. And Lup remembers. </p><p>She’d hidden the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet, but she’d been betrayed. Cyrus Rockseeker had attacked her with a knife coated in Silverpoint, aimed right for her spine. But she’d felt him, at the last second, and dodged, the knife still lacerating her side but not delivering the instantly fatal blow he’d intended. She’d pushed him away, sealed the vault. But even as she’d stumbled away, dropping the Umbra Staff, she could feel the poison cold in her veins. She’d staggered, desperately trying to make it out of the cave, but - </p><p>Her corpse had fallen out of the Staff’s effective range, and her lich form had risen from her body unhindered. </p><p>She’d returned to the ship, seen Taako and Barry again. She hadn’t explicitly told them that she’d hidden the Gauntlet, but she was sure everyone had worked it out. And for a while, she was happy – happier than she’d been since the start of the Relic Wars.  </p><p>Weeks later, when Lucretia wiped their memories, she hadn’t forgotten. She’d killed Barry, as agonising as it was to see his face fill with shock and his body crumple, and his lich form had risen from his still-warm corpse. They’d run – what else could they do? Confront Lucretia? </p><p>Now, though, Lup’s back. She looks up, gasping, and sees her whole family in one place for the first time in a decade. Taako stares at her, a dumb grin on his face. She looks at Barry, grinning in his skeletal way, at Davenport, gasping, forming words for the first time in years, at Merle and Magnus, and finally at Lucretia. </p><p>“We’re gonna kick the Hunger’s ass,” she says. </p><p> </p><p>Months later, months of agonising waiting, that pod breaks open one last time, and Barry steps out. Lup wraps him in a hug immediately, not caring for a second that he’s still naked and covered in green goo. They both laugh as they embrace, both in their physical forms for the first time in a decade. </p><p>“I forgot how good you look,” she grins, and he laughs as he presses a kiss to her lips, and she laughs too. “Don’t bother putting clothes on, Bear.” </p><p> </p><p>Barry adjusts his bow tie in the mirror. The collar of his tux feels far too tight, and he misses his jeans, but he’s recognised on the street as one of the saviours of all reality, now, and he guesses he needs to dress a little less casually. It helps that Taako ordered him to, quote, “lose the jeans or I’ll tell my boyfriend to reap you, pardon or no pardon.” </p><p>They’re going to a fancy restaurant. Lup’s wearing a glittery blue dress. It used to be red, but she prestidigitated it, saying she’d had enough red for a lifetime. He’s not seen Taako’s outfit, but he’s sure it’ll put his to shame, even though he’d got this tailor made from the fanciest shop he could find. </p><p>He adjusts the cuffs again. There’s a reason his name is Bluejeans; this suit is so uncomfortable he’s about to find some denim and risk Taako’s wrath. </p><p>“Hey, babe,” Lup sticks her head round the door. “Lookin’ good.” He grunts. “You ready to go? Taako’s waiting outside.” </p><p>“Yeah, okay,” he musters a smile, despite the chafing tux, when he sees her. She’d spent all day on her hair and makeup, literally since they’d got up that morning. “You look really good.” </p><p>“Natch,” she smiles, as they walk downstairs. “Better than Taako, and you’d better back me up there.” </p><p>“We don’t outnumber him, now he’s got a boyfriend too,” Barry reminds her. “You don’t win that argument by default any more.” </p><p>Lup frowns, and then smiles. “Nah,” she decides. “Kravitz has eyes, he’ll have no choice but to say my outfit is cuter.” </p><p>Barry swings the front door open, revealing Kravitz and Taako, stood on the doorstep. Kravitz is wearing a tux that looks similar to Barry’s, but Taako is wearing a suit in the same shade as Lup’s dress, complete with a matching two-foot-tall wizard’s hat embroidered with stars, enchanted to twinkle. </p><p>“Barold, you know what time it is,” Taako says, immediately. </p><p>“And you know my answer, Taako,” Barry replies. Lup kisses him on the cheek. </p><p>“What time is it?” Kravitz asks, sounding genuinely confused. </p><p>“Time to decide who looks better, darling boyfriend of mine,” Taako says, wrapping an arm around Kravitz’s waist. </p><p>“Oh, uh, I think I should stay out of this.” </p><p>“Nuh uh!” Taako cries. “Now that I’ve got someone to counterbalance Barold’s blind devotion to my fashion-devoid sister, I’m gonna use him. Now, just say Taako and we’ll call it even.” </p><p>“Koko, he wants to stay out of it,” Lup says, seriously, before she cracks a predatory grin. “And the fact is, it’s two against one, with one abstention.” </p><p>“Kravitz,” Taako says, no trace of humour on his face. “This is the most serious test of our relationship yet.” </p><p>“It really is easier to just say, Krav,” Barry says. “Trust me, I tried to do what you’re doing at first, too. They’ll wear you down.” </p><p>“Okay, well, I think Lup looks absolutely dashing -” </p><p>Lup raises her arms in the air in victory, but, before she can say anything, Kravitz continues. </p><p>“- but I have eyes only for my fabulous boyfriend, so my vote has to go there.” </p><p>She scowls, lowering her arms and folding them across her chest. </p><p>“Don’t ask me to help with your paperwork ever again, Bones.” </p><p>“Wait, if I’d known that that was on the line I’d have had to consider more carefully,” Kravitz says, receiving a smack on the arm from Taako. </p><p>“First answers only, handsome,” he says. “It’s a tie. Now, let’s fucking go. You two took so long getting ready it’s already quarter past.” </p><p>“Us?” Lup raises an eyebrow. “You only just got here, Barold and I have been ready for hours -” </p><p>Barry and Kravitz fall behind the bickering twins. </p><p>“Is it always like this?” </p><p>“Kravitz, I’ve been dating Lup for coming up on seventy years, and I’ve known them for over a hundred. It’s been like this since the very beginning.” </p><p>Kravitz heaves a mock sigh. “If that’s the price I pay for dating the perfect man, it’s worth it, I suppose.” </p><p>Barry smiles. He feels the exact same way.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey! This was so much fun to write and getting so much delightful feedback has made it even more worthwhile, so I want to say a massive thank you to everyone who's read this and left a comment or a kudos.<br/>I really hope you liked the last chapter! I hope to have a new work that I've been really enjoying writing up some time this week, so if you enjoyed this maybe keep an eye open for that!</p>
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